Tuesday, December 19, 2006

- Lonely Christmas -

It's been a while that I didn't update my blog. I was just being reminded of my friend that I didn't blog for quite some time already. Well, just to update update a bit lar.. Hmm, it's been 29 days that I seperate with my ex-gf.. Gosh, it's only 29 days and I felt like i was already for few months.. It's so tough and difficult to letting go of it; but still have to let go.. Just last week, my church has just celebrated an early christmas celebration. We had a great party at that evening. Everyone was having fun playing games and singing some caroling songs.. I was having fun too on the stage playing guitar.. But right after the end of the party, I wasn't feeling what suppose to feel after party.. Instead of being excited, I feel lonely.. That night, I don't have mood to talk nor smile. I withdraw myself from them.. I choosed to sit alone and pray..

Lots of lots of flash back keep appearing in my mind when I was still with her. I still remember how we started, what are the movies that we first watched together, where do we usually hang out, what do we usually do.. all these, keep appearing so fresh in my mind. I still can't really accept the fact that we had already broke up.. Sometimes, unconciously i still calling her dear dear in my message and mail.. That was what I usually call her.. I still can't really get used to it yet.. Sigh, somehow, needed more time..

Really hoping that this period of mourning will end fast, but at the same time, if this mourning season has passed, i might possibly recovered and I wouldn't need her as I do now.. Then what should I do? I don't wish to let her go, but at the same time, i need to move on also.. it's so complicated..

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

- The streets of memories -

Well, today is the first day she leave my side. This morning I woke up, I felt emptiness. Someone that I long to see every morning is not here anymore, not by my side anymore. It's a emotional morning for me. Then follow up by accompanying my friend to the shopping complex after my class. That shopping complex is where we always visit. We watched movies there, we shop there, we eat there, we date there, we argue there, and we settle the arguement there. I still remember that the first movie both of us watch together is "The Lake House" and the last movie was "Happy Feet". Today I accompany my friend to buy something that he wanted to buy. Along the way, some sort of flash back came into my mind when I passed by every shop that we went together before.

The shop that we buy clothes together, the shop that we eat together, the cinema that we watch together, all came into my mind. Indeed, my tears almost drop. It's difficult. Is really difficult. I just wish that I can meet her again. I really miss her a lot.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

- Another chapter of life has past -

Today it's a very special day. My love one had finally went back to where she's belong; indonesia. She took a cab this morning to the airport, but before that, few of her friends were there at her place to have some sort of sending her off to airport before she leave us. Each and everyone of her friends cried, that of course included me. I believe that none of us wanted to cry and carry a burden heart, but it was so difficult to hold the tears from falling down from your eyes. It is so difficult to say goodbye to the one that you have always loved and now; she's not around anymore. I was looking at her back getting further and further from my sight. I just wish that I could just stop her going up to the cab and of course, stopping her getting up the plane.

It's exactly 3 months and 21 days. Is just like a dream in this 3 months plus, a very sweet dream. But unfortunately, I was being awaken from this dream and I would never able to dream the same dream again anymore. I long for that dream to come again, but it will never happen. Well this is reality and welcome to the "real world" guys.

When she's gone, suddenly there's a flash back on every scene when both of us together. Sweet ones, and not so sweet ones. Everything happened in this 3 months. Some people said that 3 months is the sweetest moment in starting a relationship. Some people called it honeymoon before marriage. But it seems doesn't apply to me.

Hmm, another chapter had past, but there's lot more to go. I would just have to stand up again like what I've used to do when I was a kid when I fall down. Failure will only makes you become stronger if you've learned your lesson. Failure never meant to pull you down, it only happened if you give up. I think I'm not giving up myself. I'll stand up again.

Friday, November 17, 2006

--= Struggling =--

Do you have? I mean struggling?
Recently, I really strrugle a lot. Struggle to wake up early in the morning and causes me sometimes missed classes; struggle to start assignments on time and procastinate so much and causes me to suffer at the end; struggle to do good and show mercy and causes someone to fall; struggle over my sins and of course, causes me to fall as well; struggle to read bible; struggle to be myself and be honest; struggle to sleep early because I'm having insomnia and causes me to wake up late every morning; struggle not to argue with gf; struggle to keep my budget; and more. But the most of all, struggling to let GO...
She will be leaving next tuesday, but yet, we still having conflict and arguements. I really don't wish the ending is like that. After break up, we will not talk to each other agian. This is normally what happened when couples break up because of arguement. The reason we break up is because she's had to go back to indonesia, it's not because that we argue then we break up. Many times, I really wish she could just stay here and work here. But then, when I think of her father and her family, I can't just be so selfish. I can't ask her to stay here and live happily ever after with me and leave her family at her hometown. I can't do it.
You give and take away,
You give and take away,
My heart still choose to say,
Lord blessed be Your name. -by Chris Tomlin-
It's a song that sang by Chris Tomlin. It's easy to sing it when everything is smooth, not when everything goes wrong, especially giving up for the things/person that you loved the most. I'm scared, really scare. I'm afraid that I can't sustain it, I'm afraid that the emptiness will overwhelmed me. I have thank God that He put a lot of friends surrounding me to support me even way before I break up. I really thank God for them. Somehow I wanted to say sorry to them as well, cause many times I failed them by not telling them honestly about my feelings.
I'm sorry ya guys.. I will do better next time..

Monday, November 13, 2006


One of my friends from indonesia finally went back to her hometown this afternoon. Even though we're not really close, but then, still there's burden in my heart saying these words of repetition, "Bye Bye". Our friendship it's just only for 3-4 months and there's already a burden saying goodbye, what else, when my girlfriend is going back to her hometown as well. I really can't imagine to say goodbye to a person that I always care for, a person that meant alot to me. Finally, she had decided to go back to her hometown for good. Of course she didn't decided on the spot and just purchased the ticket and go back. She has been struggling over this matter for quite some time, and finally...

I really hate saying goodbye, suddenly it doesn't feel good saying this word. For me, it's like a seperation, and I don't like that. It is so difficult to build a strong relationship, no matter it's a normal friend, or good friend, or partner, somehow it's so burden when I think that we can't meet anymore for a very long period of time.

Maybe it's really God's planning. Everything has been planned since the very beginning of my life that I have to go through this stage. Some might think that it is not fair or maybe it's such a waste.. Well, what can I do? There's nothing I can do except to follow the will of God in my life, believing that His plan is the best for me. Sometimes, it is so easy to say, "Ok God, I trust You". But the matter of fact is, maybe you're not really trusting Him wholeheartedly, or maybe even not trusting Him at all. I myself is going through this stage now, I said many times, "I believe in Your perfect planning and timing, all these hurts and pains is for my own good". But most of the time, I mourn and grief.

Over these past 2 years and 7 months I've accepted Christ, I've not been stopping from getting hurts, pains, suffering, and troubles. It seems like they are my best friends, so faithfully following me every stage I grew up in Christ. But when I think it over and over again, if God doesn't allowed these things to happened to me, I'm 100% sure that I can't be what I am now. For those who knew me past 2 years ago, they saw changes in me.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

I really can't denied that the bible is true. If I would just say, "Ok, that's it. You go your way and I go my way". For sure, forever I'll running from troubles all of my life. I faced it, and I've changed to a better person.

You'll be supprise that God can change people anytime. By this post itself, God changed me. I started off to write something very negetive, but then, I ended up wrote something to encourage myself. It's really amazing...

Monday, November 06, 2006

"The Room"

I came across this e-mail that one of my friends sent to me. Usually I won't read it if the message is too long, but not this time. Hope you enjoy reading it.

Here is the e-mail I've copied:
You know sometimes when you are in a hurry, you don't have time to read emails that friends and family send to you, so you just close it and think to yourself that you will read them later, but then you never get around to it? Read this email. Don't close. I don't care if you forward it on or delete it afterwards - just read it.

It's about an essay written by a teenage boy called "The Room". I hate the thought of what my file room will look like. May you be as moved and blessed as I was when I read it. Thanks for letting me share it with you. 17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's the best thing I ever wrote..." It also was the last. Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School.

Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them - notes from classmates and teachers, his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there. "Mr. Moore said. Brian Moore died May 27, 1997. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him." Brian's Essay:

The Room In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird

Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked Lustful "Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."

The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained? With one hand (I could count them all). And then the tears came. I began to weep. (Weep that turn into Sobs). Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.

Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red, so rich, so dark, (and) so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."- John 3:16

Hmm, what do you think about Jesus doing such a thing? Honestly, I'm very touched by this e-mail.. I hope you too, God bless you.

Friday, October 13, 2006

One package?

Season of evangelism comes with spiritual attack? Hmm, does this every time come like a package or something? Well, the fact is, it's well known that it's true and it's expected to happened everytime when there's a evangelism programs going on in any churches. Spiritual attack, within Christianity, is a term used to describe the belief that the Devil deliberately using supernatural powers to discourage the targetted Christian from their belief in God. Such attacks can come in many forms, all of which can have a lasting, even permanent, detrimental effect on the recipient's religious life. Spiritual attacks can include possession, fear of holy objects, such as bibles or other holy books, and in many other ways (sources from wikipedia.com). It has been happening for many years, when a church runs any program or events to evangelise, surely, something weird will happened; and I personally experienced such a thing during this season. May I proudly to share this story about "A summon from one hazzy night".

Well, the story goes like this, just like one odinary night after alpha course, I went out with my "friend" to find the exact location where she's going to interview tommorrow morning. So thank God, we successfully found that place. Just right after we found that place, a police car stopped us because they found us very suspicious. So have to do normal procedures as usual lor, "Matikan enjin, tunjuk Lesen dan IC please". Well, the policeman was being nice by asking please with a pleasant tone, so I decided to give him (well, do I sound like I have any option?). So he check my IC and license, then he found out that my license expired, then of course at once I show him my renew license, but then, sometimes shit happens; I don't know how it happened that my renewed license was lost. I searched all over my wallet, my car, my beg, and even my friend's bag. I can't find it. I was quite confident that the license is with me, but still, I failed to show them my renew license. And due to that, I was being issued a summon.

At that time, I thought that I might accidently left it in my "friend" house. So, I decided to go to look for it tommorrow. So, skip a chapter to the next scene. Then here it goes, I reached my friend's place already, then in order to go into the place, I need to take my license to exchange the visitor plat. Here is the climax of the story, I FOUND MY LICENSE INSIDE MY WALLET. It's really impossible that I can't see it if my license was there in the beginning in my wallet. Because of this, somehow, I've did a charity to donate money to government. So, what to do you think? It's a human error or spiritual attack? Believe or not? Believe it!